Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
They are the perfect team. One always has weed, the other always has cigarettes. They're like the Batman and Robin of drugs
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
