$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Well I don't know him that well so I don't think I can give advice. You should make him a cake. Or have sex with him.
Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
All time low: no dry towels so I'm using the sex towel to dry off
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