Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
So I had Xanax for breakfast & I'm probably going to fuck my tennis instructor.
TSA doesn’t allow handcuffs in carryon bags. Super fun they confiscated them in front of my boss and coworker.
Randomize
