apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
We may not see eye-to-eye on much, but I'm definitely willing to let you see eye-to-vagina again.
When he wakes up tomorrow with half shaved legs smelling like a preteens bathroom, I'm sure he will think he has had a great evening
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize