we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
I was chasing pulls of fireball with bites of a bagel and yelling at people to take tequila shots with me. I shouldn't be allowed to go out alone.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
Randomize
