His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Randomize
