I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
I go to a class slightly intoxicated and they bring in a baby. What a life.
Maybe he meant to say like I love fucking you? But just forgot the fucking part.. That's what I'm telling myself.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Major win last night. I traded my roommate two cigs for a six pack and a bag of beef jerky. This has been a Brian weekend update
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I pelvic thrusted so hard while he was eating me out that his nose started bleeding. I think it's broken. Trophy scars, right?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize
