If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.
That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
congrats on being the token straight people in our group.
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Randomize
