some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
So from the residue on my balls I think it was mashed potatoes she had in her mouth
This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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