Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
My trash can is full of used condoms and girl scout cookie boxes.
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