oh my god im such an asshole. i just asked the guitarist of bad religion if he was a scalper.
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
It's cool dude. The dank is in the form of premade smores with honey grahm crackers, marshmallow cream and 420 brand choc. bars. NV weed laws have nothing on me.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
