I got chris browned last night
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Well on a lighter note, I had sex in a food truck.
Nothing says "welcome to Denver" like a hot 18 year old giving you directions to the dispensary and ending up blowing you in the backseat
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
are you still up? I want to use you for sexual things. you have 35 minutes to respond to this offer.
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
Randomize
