JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
coming from the girl bound and determined to pee in the snow
why would you restrict a girl of that
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I had to join a gym to keep up with this 22 yr old
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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