So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
I woke up with my earring stuck inbetween my tits. Somehow you fucked my earring out and my boobs saved it. I'm pretty impressed with both of us right now.
I need to sanitize my soul.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
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