peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Hi I am on my way. I stopped and got the cheeseburger you asked for. Are you gonna pay me back?
Who is this?
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
