i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.
I am so 35 right now. Listening to REM, drinking red wine, and crying over an article about ecstasy in oprah magazine.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
They're giving you narcotics aren't they?
If I offered to share would you come visit me?
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
Randomize
