There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
You told your family you're bi over the phone?!
We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
u would mumble something and then get unnecessarily loud and say random shit like 'id fuck the shit out of taylor hanson right now'
Randomize
