tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
This gem of a conversation has been brought to you be weed
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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