Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.
did we at least go back and get it?
how else do you think we got jack in the box...?
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
For someone only wearing socks and a cast, I felt reallyy overdressed
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
Well he waved at me as he was leaving so he def noticed the staring, and by staring i mean blatant eye fucking from across the bar..
I realized just how much my daughter is MINE when I heard her tell someone "Go shit yourself" yesterday.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
