I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV
you're the only one i would trust to do that
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
You don't know how skeptical I was about letting a guy with braces go down on me
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
My breath smells like gin and sadness
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
Randomize
