we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
Hey bro u need to come home now, me and andy just had a 15 minute conversation about fig newtons. f this bong
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
Just burnt my nuts with a cigarette. Don't ask. I hate life.
What do you mean you don't want me to steal the manikin do you have any idea how expensive inflatable dolls are I can't get that for your birthday
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You know I base where I go on the likelihood of me getting laid there. This includes work.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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