I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
No, you can still breathe under the balls.
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Company sent me first class out of state, got so drunk on the plane I started handing out pillows and blankets to the people in coach
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Randomize
