oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
