the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i just woke up and its 10 o'clock and the words "Robbies Fave Restraunt" and written in sharpie above my vage. Help me.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
Randomize
