He made a note in his iPhone tonight so that he would remember that I rejected him.
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
It's entirely possible that I'm fucking yet another gay guy
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
You can now call me Rabbi, and I can now perform weddings, funerals, and other services in all fifty states. You're welcome, world.
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