So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
For u too. Could be years before u have a finger in ur ass
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
