dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
Dude my pants were only on for 20 minutes after she got there.
That's 30 minutes too many.
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Straight up just cock blocked my dad. Also this apple sauce is good.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
