If burritos were dicks, we'd have a serious relationship problem on our hands. Just saying.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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