If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
im pretty sure one of the guys i was dancing with at graffiti wrote on my back "you rock". now feel like a danced with a 5 year old.
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
I was just crying my tits off and he was just sitting there listening. I was an open book of embarrassing life stories.
Wine is not your friend.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Randomize
