I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Randomize
