I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
new revelation: five guys for breakfast
new revelation: previous revelation not a good revelation
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
nyquil+orgasm=very intense and oddly interesting
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
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