my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.
Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
it's gotten to the point where I just look in my closet, think, "which article of clothing behaves most like a towel?" and then just go with that
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Ya it was crazy the power went just as she was about orgasm and the vibrator got fried with the power surge
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
He said he broke his back in 3 spots & my first thought was "there goes my booty call".
Did u have a 2nd thought
I need a new booty call.
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