i feel like im doing the pre-walk of shame..like every car that drives by is like, ooooo look at that girl, in that itty bitty dress, yep shes about to get her skank on tonight...
i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
We had sex last night...... This "Friends" thing is going well.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
you had her IN YOUR BED NO PANTS AND YOU GAVE HER THW BOOT?!?!?!
Stage five clinger bro. had to go.
Was cussing out our DD when one of the strippers takes him backstage. WTF
They call him magic hands is all I know.
Somethings are best left a mystery
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