Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Randomize
