she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
saw him outside... he got fatter, i got blonder. the winner is obvious.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.
theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot
i want to face-plant into her vagina
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
