Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Although I would ideally cut back on smoking weed, imagine what getting high and looking for our spirit animals would be like
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
Randomize
