I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
