I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
