you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
In your alcohol circus, can my act be juggling men? Let's be real, I can juggle multiple dick buddies better than a professional
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I just want to see you and express my feelings in a drunken manner, but in a sweet way like my english accent.
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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