I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
The walk of shame is a lot easier when I'm at a music festival and it's 12 feet from his tent to my tent
You are living the dream.
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
The amount of guys I've turned down for you is disgusting... You better love me.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
