My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I'm being an old woman and getting trashed in a night gown in public...of course it's going to be fun
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
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