He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
I sincerely hope you find your fuck buddy and have a wonderful night of champagne and whores
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
i wore a power symbol belly button ring just so i can drunkenly tell him that he turns me on. i dont care if it works i think its classy
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
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