You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Dude. No way. She insults the term butterface. She's a butternothing.
I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I have a vagina. So i automatically win.
We haven't had hot water in our dorm all weekend. Do you know if there is any other way to wash off shame?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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