let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
Chang gave me a 1.5 gallon beer tasting cup, i have a new boyfriend with a huge stick, Members of the Irish Rugby team slapped my ass and cheered for firmness, and a couple of strangers are naming the child after me. Best. Weekend.Ever.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Randomize