After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
Do you remember unrolling paper towels as a blanket?
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
Never doubt me. I am drunk and unstoppable and I will finish this book
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
I am luring the porn star to my house with chicken!
Randomize
