Your face is a jimmy john
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
You're the horniest male I have ever encountered
Makes it sound like you're a scientist documenting your discoveries. I warned you.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
If my vagina was a person it would have a bandage around its head and it's arm in a sling rn
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
Randomize
