so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Should I be worried if two ants just crawled out of my purse?
Yes!
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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