I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Still workable. Pretty sure i told her i'd eat her out in the woods.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
note to self... there IS such a thing as having too many birthday shots...
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
What happened last night dude?
YOU SHIT ON MY FUCKING COFFE TABLE THATS WHAT FUCKING HAPPENED!!!
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize
