My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
So much for the toy store...Not a butt plug in the entire place. See you tonight.
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
