I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If I spent my amateur stripper money does that mean I am cleansed of my sins?
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
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