god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Relax
It's hard to relax when a woman is waxing your asshole.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
Is it sad that my idea of a quality foursome would involve one person eating me out while the other two rub my feet?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
