the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
He also informed us that it's rude to shove your tit in someone's mouth. Happy Monday.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
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