You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
I was an emotional waste case that night. She made me stroke her ponytail.
Was it a good night or a bad night when you have to apologize to someone the next day for trying to fuck them with a turtle?
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I opened the bathroom door and the starting point gaurd was eating out my art history professor
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
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