dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Ask him about a girl named Meg then give a disappointed and disapproving face.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
Yeah I was thinking something along the lines of "I almost died, lets celebrate with sex. Come over"
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
I have in my possession one ukulele shaped package.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
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