Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
don't judge my taste in strippers
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Randomize
