If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Steve is enlightening me on how and why u put gerbils up your ass
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Can we throw a "death to my 20s" party when I turn 30?
Sure. Funeral attire and hard liquor
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