Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
He’s really fucking cute. Like, I want his penis in my mouth cute.
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
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