Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I'm the kind of girl who misses her mouth when trying to eat, do you honestly think I'm coordinated enough to wear heels during sex?
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
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