i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.
There is a visibable outline from you in the grass. its you in the fetal position...
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
Randomize
