you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
First night in my new apartment and I threw up in front of my neighbors door. Starting off this relationship strong.
McDonald's and a car nap. I feel kinda human
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
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