Just looking for some anal play. An attempting to read atonement. The highbrow/lowbrow divide is striking.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Shit. I'm running the whole hotel right now. The front desk girl had to run home because she left her vibrator on the counter and her brother, mom, and grandmother surprised her and are showing up to her place before she gets off work. This will end badly no matter what.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
You don't feed me, fuck me, or fulfill me.
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