He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I'm no doctor but I don't think balls are supposed to look like that.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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