just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
She apparently grabbed another girl and pulled her into the shower fully clothed. When the girl was like "you need to stop" she curled up into a ball and refused to leave.
Whoa, you know how to pick em.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
She should be a lawyer. She convinced her husband to give her a hall pass AFTER he walked in on her in bed with her ex-bf
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